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China Drops Boeing Contract,
Buys Bowie from Great Britain for $4 Billion
David Bowie: China's Property
London: After ordering seventy aircrafts from aerospace giant Boeing for $4 billion, the Chinese government has cancelled the order, "decided to go in a different direction," and bought David Bowie from the United Kingdom for the same price. The deal, one of the largest aircraft orders ever place, was made this past week while U.S. President George W. Bush was visiting Bejing.
"This is proud day for China," said Chinese President Hu Jintao. "We did not want to offend Boeing, the U.S., or President Bush, but when we agreed to the seventy planes with Boeing we weren't aware that David Bowie was even for sale. Obviously the aircrafts would have helped our infrastructure, but David Bowie improves the Chinese soul. Which do you think is more important?"
"Wow, who knew David Bowing was as valuble as seventy planes? It sounds like those meddling kids from Airbus have been meddling in our business," said George W. Bush from his Neverland Ranch in Texas. "On the other hand, I did get some cheap North Face gear while I was in China, and Christmas is just around the corner. So overall, I would say the trip was a success."
British PM Tony Blair was ecstatic. "Well, just when I thought the U.K. had nothing left to import, we stumble into this gold mine. Israel has been calling, practically begging for Madonna."
When approached for an interview, David Bowie called Hollywood China "fuggin' wanks." He wouldn't make any further statement.
Hollywood China Commentary
Is Jackie Chan Clairvoyant?
Beijing: The following article is from the China Daily via the AP:
"Movie star Jackie Chan claims he guessed two of Beijing's Olympic mascots (AP)."
"Film and martial arts superstar Jackie Chan said he guessed two of the five mascots for the 2008 Beijing Olympics before the quintet was unveiled.
Chan made a surprise appearance in the finale of a nationally televised gala unveiling the mascots on Friday night in Beijing. He danced on stage with stuffed toys of two of the mascots in each hand.
The mascots, selected three months ago by Olympic officials, were a closely guarded secret. But before the show, Chan said he made a bet with a friend on the identities, correctly guessing they would be the panda and the Tibetan antelope. In the end, the mascots also included stylized versions of a carp, a swallow and the Olympic Flame. "I was right about two," Chan told reporters afterward."
Many in the press are cynical about whether Jackie Chan actually guessed two out of the five mascots. We here at Hollywoood China believe him. Hey, he made a freaking a bet with another undisclosed person. Unfortunately the Associated Press, in another show of shoddy journalism, failed to interview that person.
We are glad we didn't make any bets with our guesses. We here at HC guessed the panda, but thought the other mascot would be a Tibetan rather than a Tibetan antelope. We were also way off on the other three--guessing the others would be stylized versions of polluted ground water, toxic waste, and a wallabee (southern China is practically Australia after all). We think it's safe to say that nobody saw the carp coming, and we would be more impressed if Chan had guessed the flamer and the swallower. But still, two out of five isn't bad when you are Jackie Chan.
At HC we are comfortable making predictions about movies. We predict Jackie Chan's next movie will either be a fish-out-of-water buddy movie set in the wild west or a fish-out-of-water buddy movie set in LA. Either way way the end credits will reveal that during the filming of the movie Jackie hurt his nose, ankle, spleen, eye, elbow, fist, or nuts. And the movie will suck. Anybody want to bet?
Nothing Says China and Olympics Like a Wallabee
Except for a Carp...and a Pocket Knife
Back Dorm Boys Slated to Lip Sync National
Anthem at 2008 Beijing Olympics
Beijing: Olympic Opening Ceremonies spokesperson, Lin Huang, revealed that the Back Dorm Boys of much internet fame in the past year will be mouthing the Chinese National Anthem in the Opening Ceremonies in 2008.
"The way I see it, at least we are being honest," said Lin. "Have you ever seen the Super Bowl? Their performers always lip sync the Star Spangled Banner--and not even as well at our Back Dorm Boys. Did you see that capitalist roader Whitney Houston's performance in the 1991 Super Bowl XXV? Forgive me for being so frank, but no wonder Bobby Brown beat her after that. That was a disgrace to the art of lip sync. I even cringed, and I hate America with all my heart."
The duo has requested that their roomate still be allowed to perform with them by playing Counter Strike in the background with his back to the audience.
Neither Milli nor Vanilli could be reached for a comment.
Milli Vanilli: Way Ahead of Their Time
Ying Yang Twins:
OSC's Keeping it Real Or Not?
Atlanta: A recent investigation conducted by Hollywood China reveals that one of the hottest rap duos in America, Ying Yang Twins, aren't actually overseas Chinese. The Atlanta-based rap duo made of Kaine (Eric Jackson) and D'Roc (D'Angelo Holmes) have also disappointed dizygotic twins around the world when Hollywood China also discovered that they are not even brothers.
"They didn't even share the same uterine growing space," says Donnie Gu, president of the International Overseas Chinese Dizygotic Twins Association. "I mean, I have to admit, I had my doubt whether they were really Chinese. But as a dizygotic twin, I still was happy to claim them. It just hurts. I am consoled only by the fact that we (Chinese) still have the Wu Tang Clan."
